~ Jess
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions. In fact, just yesterday, I scoffed at the very idea, believing that a calendar day should not be the catalyst needed to create a change, kick-start a habit, or drop an old one.I’ve always felt compelled to think of a few things I’d like to improve for fear that I’d be seen as a pessimistic cynic...which, at times, I can be. After reading Don Miller’s latest blog (www.donmilleris.com) I felt properly convicted. It doesn’t have to be about me. It can be about what I can do, or what can be done within me to affect those around me. What can be transformed in my life to show Christ to the world? The New Year heralds the conclusion of one period, and the beginning of another. If you know me on a personal level at all, then you can understand why this is particularly welcomed this year. I really prefer the term “goal” over “resolution,” but that’s probably just semantics. I actually began to think of a few goals that I really would like to see myself work on, if not accomplish in this new year. Most are not really earth-shattering, profound declarations, just things I’ve talked about doing for far too long. Time for less talk, more do. If you know me, or would like to, please feel free to check on my progress or hold me accountable! Without further ado, and in no particular order of import, here are my goals for the year 2010:
1. Relearn to crochet. My Mom had a rule when I was growing up: no one watches TV without something constructive to work on at the same time. I grew up and apparently forgot that little nugget of wisdom. It has made me lazier, unfocused, and frankly, whenever I watch a television show or movie, I feel empty. Like I wasted an hour to two hours of my life. When I crochet, crosstitch, organize recipes, etc...I can look back on what I been doing while been “entertained” and see that there has not been a wasted moment. It is gratifying, fulfilling, and I don’t get off of the couch feeling like I have squandered one of life’s most precious assets: time. Not a biggie, just a habit I’d like to pick back up.
2. Stop looking for a father-figure under every rock. I have one, He’s pretty big too. Omnipotent, in fact. The hole in my heart that was created the day my father decided that I wasn’t worth sticking around for is, for the most part, permanent. It can’t be filled, I’ve tried, and it doesn’t work! So, I give up. The thing is, I wouldn’t be the person I am now without having gone through the hardships that God has put me through (or that I have brought upon myself through choices). Finally, I am comfortable with the fact that my path is uniquely mine, which joys and sorrows meant to shape me, mold me, draw me ever nearer to becoming an image-bearer of Christ. And I’m ok with that now.
3. Stop trying to force relationships. With anyone and everyone. There is a difference between cultivating relationships and forcing them. Forcing causes you to try to create something between yourself and that other person that just might not exist. Cultivating requires time, attention, patience, give-and-take, etc. Think gardening.
4. Stop looking for Mr. Right. He doesn’t exist. I tried too hard to find him once, and it turned out to be very devastating for many people in my life. I day-dream (nasty habit, by the way) about how wonderful it would feel to snuggle under someone’s arm on the couch, cuddled up in front of an old black-and-white movie, someone to appreciate me, someone to think longingly of me while at work, to really want to know me, to anticipate a need, to sit next to me on the pew/chair and get excited with me about one of those “aha!” moments in church, to walk through life at my side, to know that I am damaged goods with baggage (translated: divorced with two children) and to want me anyway, to rush home, drop everything at the door and passionately scoop me up in a big hi-honey-I’m-home embrace. What I’ve come to realize is that my image of Mr. Right is convoluted, as is my image of myself. It seems that I either want a gay guy, or a devoted worshipper. This was quite an appalling revelation, as I didn’t think that I was that fond of myself to begin with. But, sadly, I think I am. That’s very embarrassing. Maybe one day, I’ll meet someone (and maybe I won’t...) and I will be ready to co-author a “story” (for my fellow Million Miles fans) with him, not be the object of adoration and affection. (Don’t hate, you know I’m only voicing what we all want deep down inside!)
5. Learn to embrace singleness again. I hate being single. Yes, yes, I know, it is a gift...blah, blah, blah...
I have spent the majority of my life (since conscious thought at least) waiting for the person who would be the perfect key to my lock. I squandered what time I had before my first marriage by pining after what I thought was Utopia: marriage and raising children. It wasn’t. God has graciously given me a do-over. A mulligan! In my short experience, I think He is so very gracious when He allows us the opportunity to repeat a lesson until it is learned. I don’t merely want to learn this lesson, I want to welcome it, live it, breathe it, and master it. It would be kinda neat to be at the place where someday, if a man ever does come into my life, I can say to myself, “really Lord? But You and I were having so much fun by ourselves! Well, Father knows best...”
6. Fall in love with my Bible again. I think I spend too much time wondering what God’s will is, like it is going to be at the end of a magic rainbow that spreads across the sky one day...Why do I even bother to ask, when I don’t crack open the most precious gift mankind has been given outside of Jesus Christ Himself?! I love the Bible. It is like the dearest, oldest friend I have ever had. I am also afraid of it, as it holds me accountable, strips me bare, lays me out in the open, shivering, naked, vulnerable. Psalm 119 is a great place to rekindle the affair: “How I love Your teaching! It is my meditation all day long...abundant peace belongs to those who love Your instruction; nothing makes them stumble.” (vs. 97 & 165)
7. Get fit. I’m not going to say “get into shape” because I have a shape. Maybe not the one I want, but it’s what I was dealt, so I might as well make the best of it! Part of this may involve smoking cessation. I don’t know yet...I honestly do not want to quit. Spare me the lecture, I’m a nurse, ok? I used to say to critics, “when you stop eating potato chips, I’ll stop smoking,” alluding to the fact that heart disease is the biggest recognized cause of death in the world. Honestly though, that’s just an excuse. Maybe I’ll resolve to ask God if HE wants me to quit smoking...now there’s an idea!
8. Become debt free. Again.
9. Give of myself in any area that God asks me to. Pocketbook, time, prayer, any and all resources, etc.
10. Lastly, I pray, with all of my heart, that the Lord helps me figure out how on earth I teach two little boys, who are my world, about Jesus. The real-deal Jesus, not the one that they are going to see portrayed all around them. The “do as I say not as I do” kind of Christianity that they are already familiar with. The Jesus who loved them before they were formed. I feel as if this may be the single most important thing I do in my life as a parent. Being a single parent is tough. I have the greatest support system anyone could ask for, but I am still a single Mom, a one-gal team. I am absolutely overwhelmed by the thought that the best way to show my kids who Christ is is through living my own life. Walking “worthy of the calling” as Paul wrote to the Ephesians (4:1). Dear God, give me strength and wisdom.
Happy New Year!
~ Jess
1. Relearn to crochet. My Mom had a rule when I was growing up: no one watches TV without something constructive to work on at the same time. I grew up and apparently forgot that little nugget of wisdom. It has made me lazier, unfocused, and frankly, whenever I watch a television show or movie, I feel empty. Like I wasted an hour to two hours of my life. When I crochet, crosstitch, organize recipes, etc...I can look back on what I been doing while been “entertained” and see that there has not been a wasted moment. It is gratifying, fulfilling, and I don’t get off of the couch feeling like I have squandered one of life’s most precious assets: time. Not a biggie, just a habit I’d like to pick back up.
2. Stop looking for a father-figure under every rock. I have one, He’s pretty big too. Omnipotent, in fact. The hole in my heart that was created the day my father decided that I wasn’t worth sticking around for is, for the most part, permanent. It can’t be filled, I’ve tried, and it doesn’t work! So, I give up. The thing is, I wouldn’t be the person I am now without having gone through the hardships that God has put me through (or that I have brought upon myself through choices). Finally, I am comfortable with the fact that my path is uniquely mine, which joys and sorrows meant to shape me, mold me, draw me ever nearer to becoming an image-bearer of Christ. And I’m ok with that now.
3. Stop trying to force relationships. With anyone and everyone. There is a difference between cultivating relationships and forcing them. Forcing causes you to try to create something between yourself and that other person that just might not exist. Cultivating requires time, attention, patience, give-and-take, etc. Think gardening.
4. Stop looking for Mr. Right. He doesn’t exist. I tried too hard to find him once, and it turned out to be very devastating for many people in my life. I day-dream (nasty habit, by the way) about how wonderful it would feel to snuggle under someone’s arm on the couch, cuddled up in front of an old black-and-white movie, someone to appreciate me, someone to think longingly of me while at work, to really want to know me, to anticipate a need, to sit next to me on the pew/chair and get excited with me about one of those “aha!” moments in church, to walk through life at my side, to know that I am damaged goods with baggage (translated: divorced with two children) and to want me anyway, to rush home, drop everything at the door and passionately scoop me up in a big hi-honey-I’m-home embrace. What I’ve come to realize is that my image of Mr. Right is convoluted, as is my image of myself. It seems that I either want a gay guy, or a devoted worshipper. This was quite an appalling revelation, as I didn’t think that I was that fond of myself to begin with. But, sadly, I think I am. That’s very embarrassing. Maybe one day, I’ll meet someone (and maybe I won’t...) and I will be ready to co-author a “story” (for my fellow Million Miles fans) with him, not be the object of adoration and affection. (Don’t hate, you know I’m only voicing what we all want deep down inside!)
5. Learn to embrace singleness again. I hate being single. Yes, yes, I know, it is a gift...blah, blah, blah...
I have spent the majority of my life (since conscious thought at least) waiting for the person who would be the perfect key to my lock. I squandered what time I had before my first marriage by pining after what I thought was Utopia: marriage and raising children. It wasn’t. God has graciously given me a do-over. A mulligan! In my short experience, I think He is so very gracious when He allows us the opportunity to repeat a lesson until it is learned. I don’t merely want to learn this lesson, I want to welcome it, live it, breathe it, and master it. It would be kinda neat to be at the place where someday, if a man ever does come into my life, I can say to myself, “really Lord? But You and I were having so much fun by ourselves! Well, Father knows best...”
6. Fall in love with my Bible again. I think I spend too much time wondering what God’s will is, like it is going to be at the end of a magic rainbow that spreads across the sky one day...Why do I even bother to ask, when I don’t crack open the most precious gift mankind has been given outside of Jesus Christ Himself?! I love the Bible. It is like the dearest, oldest friend I have ever had. I am also afraid of it, as it holds me accountable, strips me bare, lays me out in the open, shivering, naked, vulnerable. Psalm 119 is a great place to rekindle the affair: “How I love Your teaching! It is my meditation all day long...abundant peace belongs to those who love Your instruction; nothing makes them stumble.” (vs. 97 & 165)
7. Get fit. I’m not going to say “get into shape” because I have a shape. Maybe not the one I want, but it’s what I was dealt, so I might as well make the best of it! Part of this may involve smoking cessation. I don’t know yet...I honestly do not want to quit. Spare me the lecture, I’m a nurse, ok? I used to say to critics, “when you stop eating potato chips, I’ll stop smoking,” alluding to the fact that heart disease is the biggest recognized cause of death in the world. Honestly though, that’s just an excuse. Maybe I’ll resolve to ask God if HE wants me to quit smoking...now there’s an idea!
8. Become debt free. Again.
9. Give of myself in any area that God asks me to. Pocketbook, time, prayer, any and all resources, etc.
10. Lastly, I pray, with all of my heart, that the Lord helps me figure out how on earth I teach two little boys, who are my world, about Jesus. The real-deal Jesus, not the one that they are going to see portrayed all around them. The “do as I say not as I do” kind of Christianity that they are already familiar with. The Jesus who loved them before they were formed. I feel as if this may be the single most important thing I do in my life as a parent. Being a single parent is tough. I have the greatest support system anyone could ask for, but I am still a single Mom, a one-gal team. I am absolutely overwhelmed by the thought that the best way to show my kids who Christ is is through living my own life. Walking “worthy of the calling” as Paul wrote to the Ephesians (4:1). Dear God, give me strength and wisdom.
Happy New Year!
~ Jess
Friday, November 6, 2009
*DISCLAIMER*
My intent is not to offend anyone, but please be warned, this is my blog. Sometimes I just go off on a subject, like an unpredictable gust of wind, tossing up miniature "tornadoes" of leaves and debris, you can't tell what direction I'll blow in, nor how long or with what ferocity. At any rate, if I maintain the freedom to blog without restriction, please feel free to comment/criticize/adjure/exhort without fear of reprisal. Unless I know where you live. Then, there are no guarantees...
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